From the Bottom

Embracing Life and Pain

Last Updated (Sunday, 29 June 2008 23:08) Written by Paratoos Sunday, 29 June 2008 23:07

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A few years ago, I would never have thought about asking for corporal pain. I found the idea of asking to be hurt shocking and confusing. Today, I sometimes crave the singletail or her bare hand on my flesh. I purr at the thought of 18 gauge needles piercing me. And this dramatic difference has helped me key in on something.

I lived my life looking over my shoulder and constantly worrying. I was afraid of making mistakes. I didn't think I could take rejection. So I didn't try. I sold myself a big bag of denial and fear. Fear of getting hurt emotionally and physically.

It's taken some time, but I've started to see the light. My perception was wrong. I can handle physical pain, and that's helped me understand that I can also deal with stress and emotional issues better. I've got a burgeoning strength inside that's exciting. Like craving that first crack of the whip, I'm eager for someone to throw down a gauntlet and challenge. Instead of running, or hiding, I want to confront it and see what happens. I want to embrace it.

Every emotional attachment I try to forge that fails, at least I'll have tried. My choice. My pain. Every job I try for that turns me down, is something I'll have risked my emotions on. My choice. My pain. I'll embrace it and let it go. I won't hide from it anymore if I can help it. I'm no superman, but I think I've found out that kryptonite's just a funny green rock.