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Humiliation Terminology

Last Updated (Sunday, 29 June 2008 23:01) Written by D Sunday, 29 June 2008 21:12

Even within the BDSM community, humiliation means radically different things to different people. What one submissive may find humiliating, another may consider pleasurable, fun, or enjoyable without the slightest hint of embarrassment. Accordingly, humiliation play is most importantly defined by understanding, agreement and communication. There are two basic levels to humiliation play, which I describe as universal and personal.

The idea of universal humiliation is quite simple: there are certain things that most people (with exceptions of course) will find humiliating. The classic example, "On your knees and bark like a dog" is a case of universal humiliation. The point is that most people would find that embarrassing to do. Some people may find it more or less embarrassing than others, but generally, it is something that people would agree to as "humiliating."

The second type of humiliation is more powerful, more personal, and more difficult to achieve. It involves delving into the mind of your partner and finding his or her "buttons." These are little triggers that serve as humiliation points, things that embarrass them, but which may seem innocuous or even normal to others. Sometimes they involve fetishes or kinks that are particularly powerful for the submissive. Sometimes they involve secrets or fantasies they have a hard time discussing or talking about. Finding these things is like discovering a little nugget of gold!

A quick example. Take a girl who is a goth, who listens to a particular kind of music, dresses a certain kind of way and has a certain attitude. Now, dress her up in a cute, frilly pink Laura Ashley print dress, with bows in her hair, fill her iPod with Britney Spears tunes and have her sing along to them in public. That is much more personal. not because the dress and the music is inherently humiliating (though a case could be made for Britney Spears music), but because it gets to the core of who she is. Everything about it will make her uncomfortable. Laughing at her will make it worse. There are lots of techniques for such play, I will share in later documents. But for now, that should be enough to illustrate the distinction.

Now, some terms. There are four degrees of humiliation play: Embarrassment, Humiliation, Degradation, Abuse. None of this is inherently right or wrong as long as both partners agree to the degree of play. Each of these also have universal and personal levels, just to make things more complicated.

(Examples are for illustration only and may not work on your sub in particular!)

Embarrassment: This is an emotional response to a situation that is often unintended or the result of a mistake. It often occurs when a submissive reveals something personal or private in a way that makes them unsure of how the other party or parties will respond. It is, often times, the uncertainty which makes something embarrassing. Being laughed at when you tell a joke, isn't embarrassing :) Being laughed at when someone walks in to a room and catches you masturbating may well be!

Humiliation: This is embarrassment's next level. This moves you from the accidental to the deliberate. It is relational. Only the submissive can feel embarrassed, but it takes a Dom(me) to push it to the next level, which is that person actually causing further embarrassment. So, now the Dom(me) walks into the room and catches the sub masturbating: he or she is embarrassed. The Dom(me) calls some others into the room to watch and makes the sub repeat "I am a dirty masturbating fool" while everyone watches and laughs. It is that addition that raises the bar and turns an embarrassing situation into a humiliating one!

Degradation: The next level is one that gets more intense. To degrade someone is, just as it sounds, to reduce their humanity. It is literally designed to strip a person of their humanity or personhood. It involves playing with a person's self worth and their dignity in such a way that they feel worse about themselves than when it started. THIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE AND SHOULD NOT BE CONFUSED WITH HUMILIATION. A very small percentage of submissive who enjoy humiliation also enjoy degradation. It can involve treating them like objects or animals, emotionally tormenting them. Now, we take our masturbating submissive and gag them and tell them that the only thing they are good for now is masturbation shows. They are to sit motionless, until someone instructs them to perform. At that point, they are to touch themselves until the person gives them permission to cum. Perhaps to intensify the experience they will be force to stand in the corner or be locked in a closet or a box until they are needed for their next show. At the end, the cease to be a person.

Abuse: This is the most controversial of all types of humiliation play, but the fact remains that some submissives need it, even crave it. It is play designed to hurt them, genuinely and deeply. It can be physical, but most often it is psychological and emotional. There are no more powerful tools in this type of play than love and abandonment. The sub looks into your eyes and says "Mistress, I love you," and you know she means it. You look back into hers and you list for her all the reasons you could never love someone like her. If this is an "abuse slave" it will only make her love you more :) (But be careful, because if it is not, you could seriously hurt your slave and lose her/him). THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TYPE OF PLAY.

A few words of warning:

1. For any of these types of play, you need to know your sub extremely well! That means communication, communiation, communication!

2. Many subs will not tell you what excites them, but will instead hint or show you. Blushing, squirming, whimpering, pleading are all green lights. Scrunched up faces, confusion, hesitation, and silence are often signals that things are going awry.

3. Bodies often betray them. No matter what she or he is saying or doing if they are wet/hard, it is working.

4. Do not confuse degrees of play! A sub who needs embarrassment will be put off by humiliation and a sub who needs degradation will get bored with embarrassment.

5. Always remember there is a person on the other end. Even if your goal is to make them feel like they aren't one, after the session is over, always check in and always make sure they are OK. Good partners are too rare and hard to find to loose one to carelessness!